Last night I dreamt I started my period. Like an arterial wound, I bled and bled and bled, panicked, with handfuls of soaked tissues and towels and ruined clothes.
Male readers, don't you wuss out here!
When I awoke from this dream, in the blurry moments before the numbness of sleep wore off, I thought I could hear my uterus telling my brain that it should probably tell my hands to get some Ibuprofen down my throat now, because things were about to get hairy.
And then, I suffered through three hours of the most horrible, the most painful, the most agonizing cramps of my entire life.
But honestly. Who wants to hear about this? Not me. And anyway, what sort of self respecting female discusses with such openness the state of her reproductive system like this? Certainly not a lady. Should I be trying to be more like a lady?
Well, I did the math. In my life I have had approximately 70 periods. How's that for an overshare? Anyway, I thought to myself, I really thought to myself, that this was it. That I was dying. That I was dying there on the spot because my period was going to kill me.
And I thought to myself, People Must Know About This!
My thoughts kept relaying through the body parts involved, asking questions, like any scientist would.
Brain: Lumbar! What is this sensation you are reporting?
Back: Owwwwwwwww!
Brain: Legs! What is this sensation you are reporting?
Calves: Owwwwwwwwwwww!
Brain: Female System! What gives here, man?
Uterus: DEATH!!!!
And then suddenly my entire gut was trying to exit out and I was all Woah-woah-woah! Can't we talk this over first?
I know, I know, who has any self respect any more after reading this? I drop words in here like "uterus" and "blood" and "period" like I'm talking about early American Presidents or something, never paying mind to the fact that my father reads this garbage! And your father, too! Gross! I mean, honestly, I know.
It's just that, this morning I am pretty sure I almost died. Only there was no light to greet me, no warm, glowing deal, only cold, bitter darkness. If I was nearing death it was not the angels to greet me, I will tell you that much. I had brushed my teeth, I had washed my face. I had all intentions of going on to do better things with my day, to conquer these cramps. But suddenly it was hot, it was so hot, and I couldn't wear my clothes anymore. And then I couldn't stand up. And then, lying on the cold bathroom floor in my underwear, I realized I have some improvements to make in life. I guess near death experiences will do that to ya.
I slowly lugged my aching, revolting body back to bed. There I gave myself all manner of pep talks. YOU CAN DO IT and IT'LL BE OVER SOON and THIS CAN'T LAST FOREVER. Finally I realized I could feel my toes again and that possibly, with luck, I could stand up long enough to put on some mascara and get dressed. Things brightened up considerably after that.
(Any guys still reading?)
